Instead of Punishment 1. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS STRONGLY—WITHOUT ATTACKING CHARACTER. “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!” 2. STATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.” 3. SHOW THE CHILD HOW TO MAKE AMENDS. “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.” 4. OFFER A CHOICE. “You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.” 5. TAKE ACTION. Child: “Why is the toolbox locked?” Father: “You tell me why.” 6. PROBLEM-SOLVE. “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”

Confused and bewildered parents mistakenly hope that punishment will eventually bring results, without realizing that they are actually getting nowhere with their methods. The use of punishment only helps the child to develop a greater power of resistance and defiance. (Children: The Challenge, Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D., Hawthorn, 1964)

To Encourage Autonomy 1. Let children make choices. 2. Show respect for a child’s struggle. 3. Don’t ask too many questions. 4. Don’t rush to answer questions. 5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home. 6. Don’t take away hope. LET CHILDREN MAKE CHOICES.

To Encourage Autonomy 1. LET CHILDREN MAKE CHOICES. “Are you in the mood for your gray pants, or your red pants?” 2. SHOW RESPECT FOR A CHILD’S STRUGGLE. “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the lid with a spoon.” 3. DON’T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS. “Glad to see you. Welcome home.” 4. DON’T RUSH TO ANSWER QUESTIONS. “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?” 5. ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO USE SOURCES OUTSIDE THE HOME. “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.” 6. DON’T TAKE AWAY HOPE. “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”

Show Respect for a Child’s Struggle We used to think that when we told a child something was “easy,” we were encouraging him. We realize now that by saying, “Try it, it’s easy” we do him no favor. If he succeeds in doing something “easy,” he feels he hasn’t accomplished much. If he fails, then he’s failed to do something simple. If on the other hand we say, “It’s not easy” or “That can be hard,” he gives himself another set of messages. If he succeeds, he can experience the pride of having done something difficult. If he fails, he can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that his task was a tough one.

Instead of Evaluating (“Good” . . . “Great!” . . . “Fantastic!”), Describe. 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE. “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.” 2. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!” 3. SUM UP THE CHILD’S PRAISEWORTHY BEHAVIOR WITH A WORD. “You sorted out your Legos, cars, and farm animals, and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!”

To Free Children from Playing Roles 1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself. 2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. 3. Let children overhear you say something positive about them. 4. Model the behavior you’d like to see. 5. Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments. 6. When your child behaves according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations.

To Free Children from Playing Roles 1. LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO SHOW THE CHILD A NEW PICTURE OF HIMSELF OR HERSELF. “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new!” 2. PUT CHILDREN IN SITUATIONS WHERE THEY CAN SEE THEMSELVES DIFFERENTLY. “Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?” 3. LET CHILDREN OVERHEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THEM. “He held his arm steady even though the shot hurt.” 4. MODEL THE BEHAVIOR YOU’D LIKE TO SEE. “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it. Congratulations!” 5. BE A STOREHOUSE FOR YOUR CHILD’S SPECIAL MOMENTS. “I remember the time you . . .” 6. WHEN YOUR CHILD ACTS ACCORDING TO THE OLD LABEL, STATE YOUR FEELINGS AND/OR YOUR EXPECTATIONS. “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you.”