Jak wychować szczęśliwe dziecko?
Tytuł oryginalny Brain rules for baby
Autor John Medina
Dodane przez ♂rafar (★)
Rok pierwszego wydania 2012
Tagi mózg, zasady działania mózgu, dziecko, wychowanie, rodzice, poradnik dla rodziców
Rok pierwszego wydania 2012
Tagi mózg, zasady działania mózgu, dziecko, wychowanie, rodzice, poradnik dla rodziców
W tej chwili nie jest dodana notatka od wydawcyDodaj notatkę od wydawcy
Opinie i recenzje
W tej chwili nie jest dodana żadna recenzja. Może dodasz pierwszą?Dodaj recenzję
If my husband tells me one more time that he needs to rest because he “worked all day”, I will throw all of his clothes on the front lawn, kick his car into neutral and watch it roll away and I’ll sell all of his precious sports stuff on eBay for a dollar. And then I’ll kill him. He seriously doesn’t get it! Yes, he worked all day, but he worked with English speaking, potty trained, fully capable adults.
“Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is only proving that she doesn’t understand either men or percentages.”
James Baldwin’s quote: “Children have never been good at listening to their parents, but they have never failed to imitate them”.
What happens when you say, ‘You’re so smart’ Research shows that Ethan’s unfortunate story is typical of kids regularly praised for some fixed characteristic. If you praise your child this way, three things are statistically likely to happen: First, your child will begin to perceive mistakes as failures. Because you told her that success was due to some static ability over which she had no control, she will start to think of failure (such as a bad grade) as a static thing, too—now perceived as a lack of ability. Successes are thought of as gifts rather than the governable product of effort. Second, perhaps as a reaction to the first, she will become more concerned with looking smart than with actually learning something. (Though Ethan was intelligent, he was more preoccupied with breezing through and appearing smart to the people who mattered to him. He developed little regard for learning.) Third, she will be less willing to confront the reasons behind any deficiencies, less willing to make an effort. Such kids have a difficult time admitting errors.
Kids praised for effort complete 50 percent more hard math problems than kids praised for intelligence.
The fact is, the amount of TV a child should watch before the age of 2 is zero.
Verbalizing has a soothing effect on the nervous system of children. (Adults, too.) Thus, the Brain Rule: Labeling emotions calms big feelings.
Immediately after birth, all kinds of things had to be done in hurry—setting the baby on mom’s belly was popular—before the paste dried and the critical attachment period passed. These notions are still out there.
brain rules Safe baby, smart baby Praise effort, not IQ Guided play—every day Emotions, not emoticons
We do not survive so that we can learn. We learn so that we can survive.
How can you get that kind of effort from your child? Surprisingly, it’s how you praise him. What you praise defines what your child perceives success to be. Here is where parents make a common mistake—one that often creates the saddest sight a teacher can behold: a bright child who hates learning. Like Ethan, the wiry son of a highly educated professor in Seattle. Ethan’s parents constantly told him how brainy he was. “You’re so smart! You can do anything, Ethan. We are so proud of you, they would say every time he sailed through a math test. Or a spelling test. Or any test. With the best of intentions, they consistently tethered Ethan’s accomplishment to some innate characteristic of his intellectual prowess. Researchers call this “appealing to fixed mindsets.” The parents had no idea that this form of praise was toxic.
What to say instead: ‘You really worked hard’ What should Ethan’s parents have done? Research shows a simple solution. Rather than praising him for being smart, they should have praised him for working hard. On the successful completion of a test, they should not have said,“I’m so proud of you. You’re so smart. They should have said, “I’m so proud of you. You must have really studied hard”. This appeals to controllable effort rather than to unchangeable talent. It’s called “growth mindset” praise.
For each hour of TV watched daily by children under age 4, the risk increased 9 percent that they would engage in bullying behavior by the time they started school.
TV also poisons attentions spans and the ability to focus, a classic hallmark of executive function. For each additional hour of TV watched by a child under the age of 3, the likelihood of an attentional problem by age 7 increased by about 10 percent. So, a preschooler who watches three hours of TV per day is 30 percent more likely to have attentional problems than a child who watches no TV.
Here are a few recommendations for TV viewing the data suggest: 1. Keep the TV off before the child turns 2. I know this is tough to hear for parents who need a break. If you can’t turn it off—if you haven’t created those social networks that can allow you a rest—at least limit your child’s exposure to TV. We live in the real world, after all, and an irritated, overextended parent can be just as harmful to a child’s development as an annoying purple dinosaur. 2. After age 2, help your children choose the shows (and other screen-based exposures) they will experience. Pay special attention to any media that allow intelligent interaction. 3. Watch the chosen TV show with your kids, interacting with the media, helping them to analyze and think critically about what they just experienced. And rethink putting a TV in the kids room: Kids with their own TVs score an average of 8 points lower on math and language-arts tests than those in households with TVs in the family room.
Key points • Here’s what helps learning: breast-feeding, talking to your children, guided play, and praising effort rather than intelligence. • The brain is more interested in surviving than in getting good grades in school. • Pressuring children to learn a subject before their brains are ready is only harmful. • Activities likely to hurt early learning include overexposure to television, learned helplessness, and being sedentary.
“The infant abruptly turns away from his mother as the game reaches its peak of intensity and begins to suck on his thumb and stare into space with a dull facial expression. The mother stops playing and sits back, watching… . After a few seconds, the infant turns back to her with an inviting expression. The mother moves closer, smiles, and says in a high-pitched, exaggerated voice, “Oh, now you’re back!” He smiles in response and vocalizes. As they finish crowing together, the infant reinserts his thumb and looks away. The mother again waits … the infant turns … to her, and they greet each other with big smiles.” Notice two things: 1) the 3-month-old has a rich emotional life, and 2) the mother paid close attention to it. She knew when to interact and when to withdraw.
Here are the six spices that go into this parental dry rub: • a demanding but warm parenting style • comfort with your own emotions • tracking your child’s emotions • verbalizing emotions • running toward emotions • two tons of empathy
Putting these dimensions in the form of a two-by-two grid creates four parenting styles that have been studied. Only one style produces happy children. Authoritarian: Too hard Unresponsive plus demanding. Exerting power over their kids is very important to these parents, and their kids are often afraid of them. They do not try to explain their rules and do not project any warmth. Indulgent: Too soft Responsive plus undemanding. These parents truly love their kids but have little ability to make and enforce rules. They subsequently avoid confrontation and seldom demand compliance with family rules. These parents are often bewildered by the task of raising kids. Neglectful: Too aloof Unresponsive plus undemanding. Probably the worst of the lot. These parents care little about their children and are uninvolved in their day-to-day interactions, providing only the most basic care. Authoritative: Just right Responsive plus demanding. Probably the best of the lot. These parents are demanding, but they care a great deal about their kids. They explain their rules and encourage their children to state their reactions to them. They encourage high levels of independence, yet see that children comply with family values. These parents tend to have terrific communication skills with their children.
How might the attitudes of discouraging or ignoring emotions play out in real life? Imagine that the family goldfish, the only pet your 3-year-old son Kyle has ever known, suddenly dies. Visibly upset, Kyle mopes around the house all day, saying things like “I want fishy back! and “Bring him back!” You’ve tried to ignore him, but his moodiness eventually grates on you. What do you do? One response might be: “Kyle, I’m sorry your fish is dead, but it’s really no big deal. He’s just a fish. Death is part of life, and you need to learn that. You wipe those tears away, son, and go outside and play.” Another might be: “That’s OK, honey. You know, the fish was already old when you were born. We’ll go to the store tomorrow and get you another one. Now put on that happy face, and go outside and play.” Both responses completely ignore how Kyle is feeling at the moment. One seems to actively disapprove of Kyle’s grief; the other is trying to anesthetize it. Neither deals with his intense emotions. They give him no tools that might help him navigate through his grief. Know what Kyle might be thinking? “If this is not supposed to matter, why do I still have this big feeling? What I am supposed to do with it? There must be something really wrong with me.”
Some families don’t make a rule book. Some parents let their kids freely express whatever emotions they have, then allow whatever behavior the kid engages in to spew forth all over the world. They believe there is little you can do about the stream of negative emotions, except perhaps to scramble up the bank and let the flood pass by. Parents with these attitudes are descending into an abdication of their parenting responsibilities. Statistically, they will raise the most troubled children of any parenting style ever tested.
It’s a myth that releasing emotions makes everything better (that blowing your top will defuse your anger, for example). “Better out than in, the saying goes. Almost half a century’s worth of research shows that “blowing off steam” usually increases aggression. The only time expressing anger in that style helps is when it is accompanied immediately by constructive problem-solving.
“Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”
By age 4, a child will lie about once every two hours; by age 6, it’s once every 90 minutes.
Think of the flat seat of that stool as representing the development of a moral awareness, or conscience. Each leg represents what researchers know about how to support it. You need all three legs for the stool to fulfill its job description. This well-balanced triad statistically provides children with the sturdiest seat—the most finely attuned moral reflexes. The three legs are: • Clear, consistent rules and rewards • Swift punishment • Explaining the rules
Instead of waiting for your 3-year-old to get on the swings, you can reinforce his behavior every time he gets near the door. After a while, he will spend more time at the door. Then you reinforce his behavior only when he opens the door. Then only when he goes outside. Then when he spends time near the swing set. Eventually, he’ll get on the swings and you two can play together. This process, called shaping, can take much patience, but it usually doesn’t take much time. Famed behaviorist B.F. Skinner got a chicken to turn the pages of a book as if it were reading in less than 20 minutes using a shaping protocol. Humans are much easier to shape than chickens.
You also praise the absence of bad behavior Remember Amanda, the little girl who put herself to bed while her parents watched TV? The parents did not praise her obvious lack of fussy behavior, but the nanny did. Praising the absence of a bad behavior is just as important as praising the presence of a good one.
Research shows that children internalize behaviors best when they are allowed to make their own mistakes and feel the consequences. Here’s one example: The other day my son had a tantrum in the phone store and took his shoes and socks off. Instead of arguing with him to put them back on, I let him walk outside a few feet in the snow. It took about 2 seconds for him to say, “Mommy, want shoes on.” This is the most effective punishment strategy known.
3-year-olds spanked more than twice in a month were 50 percent more likely to be aggressive by age 5.
Key points • Your child has an innate sense of right and wrong. • In the brain, regions that process emotions and regions that guide decision-making work together to mediate moral awareness. • Moral behavior develops over time and requires a particular kind of guidance. • How parents handle rules is key: realistic, clear expectations; consistent, swift consequences for rule violation; and praise for good behavior. • Children are most likely to internalize moral behavior if parents explain why a rule and its consequences exist.
You may think that grown-ups create children. The reality is that children create grown-ups. They become their own person, and so do you. Children give so much more than they take.
Safe baby, smart baby Praise effort, not IQ Guided play—every day Emotions, not emoticons
Babies are born with moral sensibilities Discipline + warm heart = moral kid Let your yes be yes and your no be no
Reconcile deliberately If you have a fight in front of your children, reconcile in front of your children. This allows your child to model how to fight fair and how to make up.
Breast-feed for one year Longer is better. You’ll get a smarter baby, a healthier baby, a happier baby. Breast-feeding is one of the most practical, most brain-boosting behaviors we know; the benefits are extremely well-established.
Describe everything you see Talk to your baby a lot. This is as simple as saying, “It’s a beautiful day when you look outside and see the sun. Just talk. During infancy, do so in “parentese”, those clusters of exaggerated vowel sounds at high frequencies. A rate of 2,100 words per hour is the gold standard.
Play ‘opposite day’ After my children turned 3, I employed some fun activities to improve executive function, roughly based on the canonical work of Adele Diamond. I would tell them that today was “opposite day. When I held up a drawn picture of the night, an inky black background sprinkled with stars, they were supposed to say “day.” When I held up a picture with a big blue sky inhabited by a big yellow sun, they were supposed to say “night.” I would alternate the pictures with increasing rapidity and check for their responses. They had a blast with this; for some reason we always ended up rolling on the floor laughing. I did a kinetic form of this exercise with my elder son, who was a natural drummer, when he was 4. We each had a spoon and a pan. The rule was that when I struck a pan with a spoon once, he had to do it twice. When I hit a pan twice, he had to strike it three times. Or once. (I changed it up quite a bit.) The idea for both exercises was to a) give the boys a rule and b) help them inhibit what they would do automatically in the face of this rule—a hallmark of executive function. We had a certain place in our Chocolate Factory for these types of play. There are a ton of exercises like these you can do with your kids. For a list of nearly 20 great ones, check out Ellen Galinsky’s Mind in the Making.
Take a critical look at (gulp) your behavior One of the most familiar forms of parental guidance is direct instruction, which parents deploy in earnest as their child becomes verbal. “Please come with me.” “Stay away from strangers.” “Eat your broccoli.” But direct instruction is not the only way kids learn from their parents, and it may not be the most efficient. They also learn through observation. And your kids are observing you like a hawk. Here’s a three-step suggestion: Step 1: Make a list of all the behaviors—the actions and words—you regularly broadcast to the world. Do you laugh a lot? Swear on a regular basis? Exercise? Do you cry easily or have a hair-trigger temper? Do you spend hours on the Internet? Make this list. Have your spouse do this, too, and compare. Step 2: Rate them. There are probably things on this list of which you are justifiably proud. Others, not so much. Whether good or bad, these are the behaviors your children will encounter on a regular basis in your household. And they will imitate them, whether you want them to or not. Decide which behaviors you want your children to emulate and circle them. Decide which behaviors you’d rather have them not imitate at all and put an “X” through them. Step 3: Do something about this list. Engage regularly in the behaviors you love. It’s as easy as telling your spouse on a regular basis how much you love her. Put on an extinction schedule the ones you don ̛t want to have around. It’s as easy (and as hard) as turning off the television.
Say, ‘Wow, you really worked hard’ Get into the habit of rewarding the intellectual exertion your child puts into a given task rather than his or her native intellectual resources. Begin by practicing on your spouse and even your friends. If they do something well, say, “You must have put a lot of effort into that rather than, “Wow, you are really talented.” When children praised for their effort fail, they are much more likely to try harder.
Trade for digital time Knowing full well the need for our kids to be digitally conversant, yet fully aware of the dangers, we came up with a few rules as our boys became preschoolers. First, my wife and I divided digital experiences into categories. Two of the categories involved things necessary for school work or for learning about computers: word processing and graphics programs, web-based research projects, programming, and so on. The boys were allowed to do these as homework required. Recreational experiences—digital games, certain types of web surfing, and our Wii gaming system—we called Category I. They were off limits except under one condition. Our sons could “buy a certain amount of Category I time. The currency? The time spent reading an actual book. Every hour spent reading could purchase a certain amount of Category I time. This was added up and could be “spent” on weekends after homework was done. This worked for us. The kids picked up a reading habit, could do the digital work necessary for their futures, and were not completely locked out of the fun stuff.
Speculate on another’s point of view In front of your children, verbally speculate about other people’s perspectives in everyday situations. You can wonder why the person behind you in line at a grocery is so impatient or what the joke is when a stranger talking on a cell phone laughs. It’s a natural way to practice seeing other people’s points of view—the basis of empathy.
Practice verbalizing your feelings You can do this by yourself, with your spouse or with close friends. When you experience a feeling, simply state out loud what that feeling is. Verbalizing emotions gives you a better command over your emotional life, allowing for more insightful self-regulation. It is also a great model for children. I remember trying in vain to open a jar of pickles. My 4-year-old walked in, glanced up at me, and said, “Daddy, you look mad. Are you mad?” “Yep”, I replied. “I can’t get the pickle jar open.” Later that day, I noticed he was getting frustrated building a Lego model. “You look angry, son”, I said. “Are you angry?” He looked at me and said, “Yes. I’m mad. This is my jar of pickles!” If your children are surrounded by people who can talk about feelings, they will be able to verbalize their feelings, too—invaluable to you when they reach puberty.
CAP your rules. Rules delivered with certain characteristics have the best shot at instilling moral awareness in children. You can remember them with “CAP.” “C” stands for Clarity. The rules are clear, reasonable and unambiguous. It often helps to write them down. Chore charts are good examples. Many families simply shout out a rule as a reaction to a frustrating experience: “From now on, you are going to bed by 8!” But what happens to the rule when the emotions die out? Write down important rules, and post them in a public place for the whole family to see. They can serve as a point of negotiation and a source of humor—as anyone who has read the Harry Potter series and the edicts of Dolores Umbridge can attest. “A” stands for Accepting. The rules are delivered in a consistently warm and accepting environment. “P” stands for Praise. Every time a child follows a rule, reinforce the behavior. This includes praising the absence of a behavior, such as when a child learns not to yell in a restaurant. Explain the rationale behind the rule Explain verbally to your children the reasons for your rules. This allows kids to generalize the lessons learned to other situations, which leads to moral internalization. If all they have is “Because I said so,” only a primitive form of behavior modification takes place. Effective punishment FIRST “F” stands for firm. The punishment must mean something. It has to be firm and aversive to be effective. “I” stands for immediate. The closer the punishment is delivered at the point of infraction, the more effective it is. “R” stands for reliable. The punishment must be consistently applied whenever the noxious behavior is displayed. Inconsistently applied rules are confusing and lead to uneven moral development. “S” stands for safe. The rules must be supplied in an atmosphere of emotional safety. Children have a hard time internalizing moral behavior under conditions of constant threat. “T” stands for tolerant. Actually, it is a call for patience, something we addressed only obliquely. Children rarely internalize rules
the American Association of Pediatrics estimates that 10 percent to 20 percent of real-life violence can be attributed to exposure to media violence.
Bill and his brother Russell were jumping on the bed in the middle of the night—in violation of their parents strictest orders. They broke the bed frame, and the snap and crash awakened a furious father. Dad stormed into the room, pointed to the broken furniture, and bellowed, “Did you do this? The older boy stammered, “No, dad! I didn’t do it!” Then the boy paused, a light jumping into his eyes. “But I know who did. A teenager came into our room from the bedroom window. He jumped up and down on the bed 10 times and broke it, then he leaped out the window and ran down the street!” The dad’s brow wrinkled. “Son, there is no window in this room.” The boy didn’t miss a beat. “I know, Dad! He took it with him!”
Brak powiązań z zewnętrznymi stronami.Dodaj powiązanie
W tej chwili jest dodany żaden komentarzDodaj komentarz